GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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