He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I still have a little drunk in my system
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
