oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
