I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
