the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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