if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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