barbara walters just said penis...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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