Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
