So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
