I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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