I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
