he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
