The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
