my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
