We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
