I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
