She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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