Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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