I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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