Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
