Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
time to smoke my breakfast
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
