i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
