Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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