My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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