Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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