franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
