hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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