I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
