so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
