She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
