The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
