Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my shit smells like andre
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
