Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
