You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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