If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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