I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
