we made out on top of his cat.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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