I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
