Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
