If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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