Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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