quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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