there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
