Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
