I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
