I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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