That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
