spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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