Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
