I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
