Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
