You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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