peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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