have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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