five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
