Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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