Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
