When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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