Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
