you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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