dude i'm inner monologue high
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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